Haywire

Reviewed by Danny the Demented
Updated 30 January 2012

The movie never went off course. It played to a consistent beat and concluded with a predictable stop. In retrospect, "Haywire" should have gone haywire; at least it would've been interesting.  

"Haywire" tells the story of a wonder woman-like super operative named Mallory Kane (Gina Carano), who was sent on a mission but then quickly found out that her boss and ex-lover Kenneth (Ewan McGregor) had double-crossed her. Now on the run, she must find out where Kenneth is and take justice into her own hands. My gosh I am boring myself just describing it. Is there a more used-up plot than the old agent-betrayed-seeks-revenge story?


There are no major problems with this film but that is part of the reason why it's such a bore. We see every twist from a mile away and nothing surprises, nothing at all. We know what will happen and who will die before the characters do and that should not happen if a film wishes to be of any good. The motive of the villain is random and bland, the betrayal suffered by the heroine lacks tension and drama, and the fight scenes are much too slow to be thrilling or gripping. The movie leaves no impression and is not even water cooler-talk worthy. In other words and in capital letters, DULL DULL DULL!

Director Steven Soderbergh (of the Ocean Series fame, and Traffic, his one and only distinguished film) certainly knows how to set a mood and is clearly in love with his own cinematography (as he should, it is beautiful). But unlike the Ocean movies (films he got by with pretty faces and pretty shots of Europe), which were in essence comedies, "Haywire" needed dramas and conflicts to be interesting but didn’t have much of neither. The casting is simultaneously the film's greatest strength and weakness. Everyone was good, from the vintage Michael Douglas to the upstart Michael Fassbender (Fassbender, he is so hot right now, Fassbender). But the casting of Gina Carano as the protagonist was a mistake, and a big one. Yes she can fight (she is a real life bad ass, as in she is a retired mix martial arts fighter, so by any off chance she is reading this......stop reading now? please?) and she does look gorgeous (from time to time). But she had only two expressions in the entire film: smile and stare. For a role like this there really was no need to hire a MMA fighter, I mean there are maybe three major fight scenes which constitute about 15 minutes of the entire movie. Soderbergh could have easily filled those minutes with someone say Catherine Zeta Jones or Kate Beckinsale. Soderbergh's miss here is that he should have gotten an actress, not an athlete.  There's something called training Soderbergh, you don’t actually have to cast fighters to play fighters, you do know that right? Good thing you weren’t the one to direct “Lord of the Ring”, my goodness, or the series would've never been made because you'd still be searching for a real wizard to play Gandalf, geez.

As bland and tasteless as can be, "Haywire" is an action film that will leave no mark in your brain. I am beginning to forget about this movie even as I am writing this review. Wait which movie am I reviewing again? Huh. My name is Danny and I endorse this message.